Your Life, Your Choice.

I saw this clip while video hunt over Youtube! last night. A good reminder to me. And I hope for all of us too. Sembahyanglah kamu sebelum kamu disembahyangkan.

Dari Abdullah bin 'Amr r.a., Rasulullah s.a.w. bersabda:
"Sampaikanlah Pesanku Biarpun Satu Ayat..."

Gone Too Soon.

Itam @ Ah Ngah : 25/5/2001 - 27/9/2009

She was hyper. She was adorable. She was smelly. She was lazy. She was pampered. She was everything.

She can act miserable at times. She can play hide and seek. She can pretend sleeping. She likes men more than girls. She was way too cute for 8 years old cat. She was everything.

And now, she's gone. She fell from 13th floor of my sister's condominium last night. No blood stain, maybe some broken bones. She died on the spot.

Her was named Angah because she was born second. The spelling 'Ah Ngah' was written on her birth cert because of my mom. She spelled 'Ah Ngah' instead of Angah during registration. We just called her 'Itam' after a while. She was the only one with black color spot among all her siblings.

The whole family is sad over this. It has been good 8 years for us. :(

Eid Ul-Fitr 2009.

20.09.2009

This may not be the best Raya of all, but I did enjoy my Syawal in my own ways. Alhamdulillah, I still got the very best in moderation.

I chose to work on the 3 days public holidays. I guess I could use some extra cash from the triple pay. Alhamdulillah, I worked night shift on these 3 days. So, I could use the day time to celebrate Raya with my family and friends.

I drove to kampung that very morning of Raya itself at 5am. Listening (and singing) to Sudirman's Balik Kampung song joyous my heart. The 1 and 1/2 hours journey wasn't feel that long anymore. I look forward to every each of seconds. I missed everyone. I missed my family. I missed the food. And I missed the smell of Eid. Arrived safely and my first pit-stop before headed home was the cemetery. I went back to KL on that day itself after Maghrib. The road was empty. KL itself was empty.

This Raya also made me experienced lotsa things, including to fit myself in last 5 years of clothing. I can't wear my newly-sewn-oversized baju kurung that I already prepared for the last 3 months. And shrinking to 4 sizes' less this last 2 months, I can't find any tailor that willing to sew me a decent baju kurung to wear on 1st Syawal ad hoc. So, I did wear the old one. And no one noticed! Yeay!

I had a short, blessed, meaningful Raya this year. Alhamdulillah. I hope you did too.

p/s: I'm sorry to know that someone didn't really enjoy his Raya. If I were the reason to it, I'm so sorry. Many people have so much 'stuff' and don't realize it. They have so much and always turn around and say, I wish I had this, I wish I had that and then, its gone. Only then, they finally realize what they have.

I heart Lat!

Lat @ KLCC. I fell in love the first time I saw the deco for Raya celebration. Enjoy the photos.

Salam Lebaran and Maaf Zahir Batin. Have a blessed, meaningful one this year.

A Season for Forgiveness.

Taken from Google.com

This month of Ramadhan is the most memorable and meaningful to me so far. Alhamdulillah. Time had flies so fast and we're already in the 3rd phase of Ramadhan. We'll be celebrating Aidilfitri in less than a week. All in all, I've learnt a lot and looking forward for more in the future. Especially in the event of seeking forgiveness to the AlMighty and creatures of the world.

The holy month of Ramadhan presents us all with timely reminders on the act of forgiving. When we bring ourselves to forgive, both the forgiver and the forgiven are blessed. One learns to let go and move on, the other experiences the grace of being forgiven and learns mercy. InsyaALLAH.

Our emotion play a vital role in our lives. Whether it is excitement, joy, gratitude, love, anger, resentment, melancholy, guilt - all our emotions help us understand who we are. They are indicators of what's going on inside us. They help us celebrate the wonders of this life and warn us of the dangers we are in. But once too often, we forget that the range of our emotions is meant to complement our life, not determine it.

There are usually two things which get me all knotted up inside. The first is when others have done something unkind to me and the second is when I have been unkind to myself and others. These are the times when I had to struggle with the emotions of anger, guilt and self-condemnation. It was impossible at times to find a refuge from these strong, and ultimately destructive emotions. So, it became easy then to shift the focus of blame for the pain I was suffering. But when I did that, I also felt my energy, creativity and capabilities being sapped from my mind and body.

I believe that to forgive and forget can be the highest form of human evolution. In forgiving we allow another person to be human with all their faults and mistakes. In forgetting we leave these faults behind, no longer letting them be a barrier in our relationships.

But some question continue to plague me.

"But how can I forget? Shouldn't I recognize the ills of the world and its potential for unkindness? Don't I need to protect myself against more hurt and build up some defences?"

My questions were answered when I finally understood the true meaning of forgetting. I realized that by 'forgetting' I did not mean 'not to remember' but to be able to acknowledge something without being emotionally disturbed by it. To forget means to view the incident as something that occurred in the past, and event that we have learnt from and have grown as a result.

It is time now to place the responsibility on ourselves and free ourselves by simply forgiving and forgetting. Let us declare to ourselves that we are independent of the need for others to validify us and make us feel good. Let us release our fears and those irrational beliefs. Let's manage our emotion and not allow them to manage us.

Ramadhan is the blessed season to forgive and forget, to love and live. Cherish it while it last. I know we still can seek for forgiveness anytime. But believe me, it will be more meaningful when we do it during this holy month. After all, Ramadhan is also known as 'bulan Keampunan'.

"To err is human, to forgive, divine." - Alexander Pope

I'll be away starting tomorrow until 25th Sept 2009. And I'm not sure I can get hold of the Internet in between. So, I'm here wishing you Salam Aidilfitri and Maaf Zahir Batin. Have a great, meaningful one. Drive carefully to all drivers. Ingatlah orang yang tersayang. ;)

I'm not just a music freak. I can read too!

I'm kinda having writer's block now. Chewah! But I guess this can fill the gap since it has been a while since I post a new entry.

These are few of my favorite books. Missing: Hesse's Steppenwolf and I can't for the life of my figure out who I loaned that to. As well as Coupland's Life After God, which I have read a few times but like to keep handy in the car to read.

From top to bottom:

Vonnegut: Slaughterhouse Five

I know I'm probably not supposed to like the classic Vonnegut that everyone else likes but the book Slaughterhouse Five was there for me when I needed it and that's pretty much all you can ask of literature. Galapagos I think is Vonnegut at his best in a lot of ways but it's also Vonnegut at perhaps his least hopeful or at least it shows he thinks we'd be better of as simpler creatures. I was sad to hear of his death recently. :(

Virginia Woolf: To The Lighthouse

I love Virginia Woolf and this book is not only flawless but way ahead of it's time. Virginia is both why I love being a woman (because we're wildly creative in the tangential way men aren't) and hate being a women (because we're just not very rational).

Don Delillo: Mao II

I know a lot of people that I know love White Noise but Mao II is an excellent delve into mass media and culture as well as the parallels between the writer and the terrorist. I found it fascinating.

Oscar Wilde: The Picture of Dorian Gray

I love so many things about Oscar Wilde and I suppose without him, we might never have had Morrissey if you think about it a certain way. I think his plays are of course hilarious but there's a darker side to Dorian Gray that he explores much more thoroughly than the mere inferences of many of his play characters. I can't wait for the motion picture to release. Yeay!

Graham Greene: The Power and the Glory

I don't know, there's something comforting and yet revealing and insightful in Greene. Haven't read this one in awhile and I feel it's about time I revisit it.

Paul Auster: City of Glass

I find Auster is really one of those who is wildly creative and adept at speaking to the reader. So that you feel you are almost part of the storyline which is intriguing. Even if it is complex enough to warrant taking notes on.

Haruki Marukami: Norwegian Wood

I've read several of Murakami's books but none really hit me like this one (Hard Boiled Wonderland is perhaps a close second). I think maybe because it involves music intertwined with the frailty of relationships and the lives particularly of the women the protagonist falls in love with. Oh yeah, some said that the title was adapt from The Beatles's song, Norwegian Wood.

Italo Calvino: Invisible Cities

This is the first book I read by Calvino, a collection of stories that really made me sense and dream more than any other short stories have. In the way that I wanted to just live in that place and nowhere else.

Milan Kundera: The Unbearable Lightness of Being

I'm no stranger to Kundera and though I haven't quite read everything yet, every book I have read is profound in its own way and gets me to think about identity, gestures, and moments in a consideration and perspective I would never have before. The problem is, every time I read Kundera, I actually go through a major depression. Like just now.

John Berger: To The Wedding

Berger is an art critic as well so some of his descriptions are just very visually appealing. I've read G and King as well and enjoyed those but To The Wedding had that extra something that made me read it twice and cry both times.

Andrew Sean Greer: The Confessions of Max Tivoli

The story was kinda similar to The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. When I first saw the trailer of Pitt's new movie, I thought it will be based on this story. I'm wrong. It wasn't. I discovered it a year or so ago and it was one of those books I read frantically as if I was incredibly scared I might die before finishing it. It is fantastic-about being born as an old man and aging in reverse and losing everyone around you as you slowly become so young you are an infant. It's also about the nature of changing relationships and, of course, despair.

Sarah Vowell: Assassination Vacation

I love Sarah. She's such a political geek but she equates a lot of the politics and feelings to music somehow in a way you don't see coming and she makes trekking across America to find various plaques on Lincoln seem like the most exciting thing on earth.

DBC Pierre: Vernon God Little

I still haven't read his new one as I've had trouble finding it. I thought this book was as creative as it was grim and I'm still not so sure about the ending (as in what end up actually happening). It was set in the death penalty capital of the world, Texas.

Flannery O'Connor (Stories)

I've been pressuring a certain friend of mine to read Flannery (sorry Aima) because I love her sometimes even more than Virgina Woolf, which I didn't even think was possible. Flannery is one of those short writers that is always profound and brilliant. She has endings that just make your jaw drop. Favorites: "Parker's Back" "The Lame Shall Enter First."

Jose Saramago: Blindness

Seeing (technically the sequel) is also brilliant but you just have to read this first. It's about the nature of seeing and the fabric that sight weaves into our reality and world. Any must for a photographer who is curious about how a society would react if they all went completely blind. And, of course, it's a character study into the darkness of man and all that. Seeing is more political and explores the idea of how far pretty much any government will go to oppress its own people in order to keep in power.

Douglas Coupland: Girlfriend in a Coma

I've read every work of fiction Coupland has ever written. This one is a definite favorite-particularly for the ending which encourages you to get out in the world and actually change things at the expense of your livelihood and sanity-question everything and make the world a better place. A place you'd actually want to live in. I've read this book several times-have memorized passages of it-and tend to read it whenever I feel I am slipping into a very deep depression.

John Irving: A Prayer for Owen Meany

I read this book when I was in sekolah menengah and it was one of the first books that made me weep. It is so moving and I really cherish it as a complete work of fiction.

Jeffrey Eugenides: Middlesex

This book is epic in its coverage of the multi generational story of a family who came from Greece to Detroit. The main character is an inter sexual (khunsa - born with both organs) which goes undiscovered by his parents. He is raised as a girl even though he strongly feels male. It has al ot to do with psychology but it just also makes you feel with excellent writing. The Virgin Suicides misses the mark relative to this one. I'm not sure if he'll ever write anything as good.

Douglas Adams: Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Everyone needs a little lightness once in awhile and the kind Adams provides is guilt free because it is so intelligent and creative that you don't feel bad for laughing even if famine and global warming are making you feel like it's the end of the world.

Salman Rushdie: The Ground Beneath Her Feet

So the ending isn't as great as 90% of the rest of this but it is still a brilliant book filled with rich storytelling and connections to music. Any avid photographer will read it and fall in love with the protagonist Rai who takes photographs despite all danger and forsaking rational thought. And when I mean fall in love, I don't mean some flippant way. You wish he existed.

Last but not least...

The Riverside Shakespeare

It's funny because I never fully "got" Shakespeare when I was in high school and had to read play after play. I mean, I liked Romeo and Juliet (duh! Romeo was hot and obviously good at poetry!) and all that but I didn't really connect with it until I took Shakespeare in college. There are many brilliant plays that you don't fully sense until you really study them and analyze them at length but the one that is my favorite above all the others is King Lear and the ending always makes me weep like a little girl:

"Why should a dog, a horse, a rat, have life and thou no breath at all? Thou'lt come no more, Never never never never never."

Ya Allah, panjang pulak. Ops! Have a blessed less-10-days of Ramadhan. ;)

What a Night!

The scene on paper. Please don't mind the uglinest.
N1 & N2: Neighbor 1 and 2.

"Banggggggg!!!!!"

I heard a loud bang outside. I took a glimpse of the clock. It was almost 2am. I was about to sleep after a series of argument, bargaining the price of my bedroom set with my buyer. Ohh yes, I'm selling my bedroom set. And same goes to my DVDs, Mags, CDs and some other stuffs. Reason? None specific. Just to clear some space or maybe I got some kaching! to cover holes in my pocket and some outstanding.

Back to the 'bang' sound.

I thought it was a very loud 'mercun' played by uncivilized person nearby. No, it wasn't. My lil' brother who was studying in the next room quickly ran to the balcony. And he ran back and knocked my bedroom door.

"Kak Nur, kat depan rumah ada accident."
"Huh? What? Kena kereta ker?"
"Tak tahu."

I went out to the balcony. I was afraid to go outside. My dad isn't home yet at that time. And it was like 2am plus.

"Alhamdulillah, Allahuakbar."

I said deeply in my heart. My car was 1 feet close to get banged by the Kancil. Lucky? Maybe. But I believe more to HIS Greatness. "Kun Fayakun".

But, unfortunate to my neighbors. Yes, there were 2 cars involved. And I parked in between both cars. The gap was more or less 1 feet from each one.

There was a police car outside our home. I wonder.

"Woa, they're fast!"

No way. They was not fast. Or been there by coincidence. The story was the police car was chasing the Kancil before the bang. And after the bang, the Kancil's driver left his Kancil and ran away to the nearest bushes. One of the officer said, it was a teenager who maybe drove without a driving license.

"What? That bad?" I wonder.

I doubt it. The Kancil's driver ran like he's maybe a smuggler or carried an unauthorized weapons. Nobody will ran just because of driving license, aite? Maybe. But I still doubt it.

That was last night. And now I'm in the office with only 3 hours of sleep. But I feel so fresh, peace and energetic. Alhamdulillah.

There's something I wanna shared with you all from Tazkirah I heard last night before performing Tarawih.

Telah berfirman Allah swt di dalam al-Quran:

الا بذكر الله تطمئن القلوب

Maksudnya: Ketahuilah dengan mengingati Allah itu hati-hati akan menjadi tenang (ar-Ra’d : 28)

He left. And I hope it's forever.

I used to believe that I can't live without love. I used to think that my life will be miserable when he left. I tried to keep the relationship going on. Even I know, both of us might end-up in misery in some point. I was wrong.

Honestly, I feel better now. Inside and outside. I took control of everything. My life, my feelings and myself. It was hard at first. But someone told me it was all mind set. So I let it go. And lined up my priority up front. I turned to Him for guidance and peace. Alhamdulillah, I managed.

In our life, we’ll make note of a lot of people. Ones with whom we shared something special, ones who will always mean something. There’s the one we first kissed, the one we first loved, the one we put on a pedestal, the one we’re with and the one who left.

Who is the one that left? I guess it’s that person with who everything was great, everything was perfect, but the timing was just wrong. There was no fault in the person, there was no flaw in the chemistry, but the cards just didn’t fall the right way, I suppose.

I believe everything happen for a reason. Everything just happen the way it should or shouldn't. I just hope both of us will find our happiness. And if not with each other, we will find it with someone else. Or somewhere else.

YKWYA: We had some unsettled business which need to be taken care of before I leave this world for good. I just hope there's no hate between us. I know you still want to bash me any chance you could. And you did. Please just stop it. You not hurting me but yourself. I'm so sorry for everything.

My Black And White World.

Yeay! I'm back on morning shift. ;) But I sighed to the heavy traffic in the morning, even I made to the office on time today. Alhamdulillah.

I love listening to FlyFm while driving. And today was way way too hilarious. It's TMTH. The 3 DJs translated English songs to Malay using Google Translator. I laughed out loud the moment I heard the translation for Lady Gaga's Lovegame song.

let's have some fun, this beat is sick
I wanna take a ride on your disco stick

and they translated it to;

mari ada seronok, paluan ini sakit saya wanna mengambil menunggang kuda pada disko kamu kayu

Funny right? Total direct translation. Sigh.

Below pictures are for Mr Faisal Admar. Here's my Black-n-White world. Please ignore my untidy room. Warned you before, this is a girl's room.

p/s: Just so you know, I didn't make it to The Biggest Loser Asia. I guess I'm on my own now.

I Feel Too Much!

As for now, myself;

outside: calm and collected with a vague smile.
inside: pandemonium. utter and complete mayhem.

I know, it doesn't add up. Maybe I do feel too much. I don't know. I'm only me.

Gelagat Ramadhan.

2pm: Ramai dah kerumun area ni. Tahu tak tengok apa?

Ha, nampak tak? Ke tak nampak?

Dah nampak sekarang?

Dari cermin ofis Cahaya boleh tengok Pasar Ramadhan 'upper-east-side' TTDI. Kenapa dengan 'upper-east-side' tu? Pasar Ramadhan ini agak glamor di kalangan artis2. Setakat ini ada la terserempak dengan 2,3 artis tak berapo nak glamor dan banyak juga la yang glamor. Ops! Yang datang pun semua pakaian ala2 baru balik show gitu, walau hakikatnya pegi pasar je pun kan. Alamak terlaser plak. Huhu. Mungkin betul kot baru balik show.

Hot chick dan lelaki hensem macho pun banyak. Sama naik la cara pakaian diorang. Bak kata bebudak ofis ni, "Saya puasa, tapi saya sexy." Hilang terus pahala bebudak ni sebab sebok jamu mata dari beli untuk jamu perut bila berbuka nanti. Yang lelaki siap pakai topi ala2 Jason Mraz. Ada jugak yang dress-up gaya Justin Timberlake. Yang kesiannya, diorang ni berpeluh sakan pun maintain je. Hehe. Chomel.

Cahaya kerja petang bulan ini, jadi berbuka puasa di ofis most of the time. So,beli kat bazaar je. Biasanya beli kuih2 rm2 je. Ha, kuih TTDI ni mahal sangat (bukan kuih je, semua mahal). 50sen sebiji. Kat Gombak still 5/rm2. Boleh lah, nak alas perut kan? Balik rumah kul 10 baru makan. Mak masak lagi sedap. ;)

Yang di atas pulak gelagat budak2 ofis sebok kerumun cermin dan plan apa nak makan waktu berbuka nanti. Pukul 1.30ptg dah bising nak makan ape. Pukul 2.30ptg dah bertekak sape keluar dulu, sape stay. Perkara ni akan berlarutan sampailah jam 5ptg. Time pukul 5, kitorang akan gilir2 turun beli makanan. Tak boleh keluar sekali, al maklumlah, tempat ni operation 24 jam. Buka puasa pun sambil mengadap kerja.

Seronok Ramadhan kali ini. Tak terasa pun dah 10 hari. Alhamdulillah.

p/s: Minyak RON95 sama harga dengan RON97 yang dulu. Sedihnya.