What Else Matter?

Pretty sad when only Bob Marley can saw that.
People won't go for their own happiness anymore.
They go for perceptions. Others perceptions that matter most.
All they know is to feel good when others happy about it.

Being Part of the Country.

deviant.art

Happy 52th Independence Day to all Malaysian. I'm proud to be Malaysian, you should too.

“Of all the things that I know, I knew there’s a lot more that I don’t.” - CAHAYA


I found this picture while daily-browsing over my favorite photography website. So much of young proud patriotism. I love it. ;)

In the Closet.

It was my off Thursday when I decided to crawl back into where I found my SONY. It was kinda unusual me to stay put in the dusty-and-webby area for hours. But the memories made me stay. And it was all worth it.

I found lotsa momento from back then. The one that I collected myself and some from my dad, late uncles and granddaddy. Some stuffs I discovered might been buried in the closet for more than 15 years.

All in all, I found lotsa vinyls, cassettes, old pictures (baby pictures too!), CDs, comics, old camera (film camera-slr), and books.

cassettes

vinyls (MJ, spotted!)

my missing-stack of CDs

some old baby pictures

comics

vintage-slr camera (owner: daddy)

I'm Bored!

Behold some of my CDs

Top to bottom

1. Narrow Stairs by Death Cab For Cutie
2. Guns N Roses' Greatest Hits
3. Dear Catastrophe Waitress by Belle & Sebastian
4. Inside Out by Emmy Rossum
5. Details by Frou Frou (faves!)
6. Continuum by John Mayer
7. Black Holes and Revelations by Muse
8. Any Given Thursday by John Mayer (faves!)
9. Plans by Death Cab For Cutie
10.Seventh Tree by Goldfrapp
11.Musique Vol. 1 by Daft Punk
12.Try! by John Mayer Trio
13.More Adventurous by Rilo Kiley (faves!)
14.When It All Falls by Zero 7
15.When Your Heart Stops Beating by +44
16.Light Grenades by Incubus
17.Make Yourself by Incubus

Apples and Oranges.

I had above conversation with a friend a day before Ramadhan. But did you see the last line?

Harsh, right. That’s how much I love food. No two puddings are ever the same. Each one is special. Pity him. He was just being concern as a friend. And as usual my mood swings like nobody's business.

That last line, however, came from personal experience. Well, I didn’t have a miscarriage. My cousin sister did. She had finally conceived after seven years of trying. Things were shaky from the start. It got especially complicated by the fourth month. And as she was undergoing surgery to save the pregnancy, the foetus slipped right out.

Seven years. She had wanted this so bad. The devastation… I had never seen her so cut and broken before.

The last thing she would have wanted to hear at that moment was that she “could try again”.

Sometimes we can’t help it. We blurt things out. We feel pressured to say something comforting. But please, do stop to think for a moment in such a delicate situation.

In the same way, when someone tells you of their recent or ongoing misfortune, that’s probably the worst time for you to relate your “similar” experience. Because while the general term for it - miscarriage, death of an immediate family member, accident - might be the same, one’s personal experience is different from another is different from another is different from another (intentionally repeated).

We may relate our own stories with the best of intentions. Hoping that it will console the person. To know that someone experienced something similar but made it through. But think about it. Really think. How is your apple going to make me feel better that I lost my orange?

The Love for Something...

Old.

Old technology. Cassette tape, Vinyl records, even the humble gramophone. It all seems so silly to us now that our technologies have evolved. All we need to do is hit a button, shove some headphones in our ears and we have whatever we want. We don't even think about how easy it is.

Putting on a record, listening to the pops and crackles as the needles bounces over the grooves, putting a tape in a player and waiting for it to rewind. It's a lot more special don't you think?

I feel all that. Before and present. Blessed. Pity young ones. (Woa, I sound old. Gosh!)

some dusty collection from few years back

1 tolak 1.

deviant.art

Ramadhan ke5. Alhamdulillah. Masih mampu. Masih bertahan. Masih kuat. Sebelum ku teruskan bicara, ku mohon ampun dan maaf sekiranya tulisan kali ini mengundang rasa gundah, rasa benci, rasa sakit atau apa jua bentuk rasa pada semua. Aku bukan sasterawan yang pandai bermain kata, yang pandai menyusun metafora dengan tertibnya. Maafkan aku. Tiada niat untuk raih simpati sesiapa, atau riak berkata. Sekadar meluah apa yang tak terluah dek percakapan biasa.

Ikutkan hati, aku mahu kenangan Ramadhan kali ini paling indah. Di mana aku jadi aku yang dulu. Yang pure, tiada hasad, tiada tipu daya, tiada negatif. Aku mahu tulisanku juga tidak berbaur begitu. Tapi manusia hanya mampu merancang. Dan rancangan itu subject-to-approval dari DIA, Yang Maha Kuasa.

Mereka kata, manusia buat kesilapan. Manusia itu tidak sempurna. Aku tahu itu. Tapi tidak ku jadikan alasan untuk ku buat kesilapan sewenang2nya. Tidak juga ku gunakan untuk menutup kesalahan diri. Ya, aku buat silap. Banyak silap sebelum ini. Dan yang pasti, aku tidak mahu berpatah balik di tempat yang lama. Nekad.

Dugaan demi dugaan datang. Mungkin balasan atas kesilapan lampau. Ku terima redha. Ku terima dengan terbuka. Setiap kesakitan ini adalah kesakitan yang ku cari sendiri. Aku percaya, setiap kesakitan itu akan buat ku belajar. Buat ku sedar, hidup bukan mudah. Hidup ini sangat bermakna. Begitu juga dengan hidup orang lain.

Alhamdulillah. Kelmarin Encik Iman bisa buat aku tersenyum luas. Satu dari seribu masalah selesai. Dan diselesaikan dengan jujur, tulus dari hati. Terima kasih, Encik Iman. DIA mendengar keluhku. Terima kasih Tuhan. Walaupun, ada 999 lagi yang perlu aku hadap. Aku masih tersenyum luas. Bukan puas, tapi bersyukur. Terngiang pesan kawanku, minta pada DIA, bukan pada manusia. Terima kasih juga buat kamu.

Senyum ku tak sempat menjelang senja. Dugaan baru tiba. Tapi aku redha. Walau jumlahnya masih sama. 1000. 1 tolak 1, jawapannya kosong. Aku tetap tersenyum. Pada pihak yang melaga, terima kasih. Pada yang iri, juga terima kasih. Kamu tahu siapa kamu, bukan? Aku tidak tahu siapa kamu. Jika menyakiti aku buat kamu gembira, bergendanglah.

p/s: Doakan aku tabah mencari diri yang hilang sekian lama. Entah kan sempat atau tidak.

My Heart Goes Out.

deviant.art

We never be in a good term. We never agreed on the same statement. We never believe on the same thing. We never appraised each other. We quarreled a lot. We argued all the time. We said things to each other. We hurt one another every chances we got.

That was before. But now, no more. Na da. People said that her contract hasn't been renewed. She had to leave the company. And she did, without goodbye.

I can't recall when the last time I saw her. Last month, I guess. We were on the same shift. Night shift. I always sighed when been assigned to work with her. To be honest, I hate it. She never spoke nicely to me. She never admit even once that she's wrong, even if she is. She always condemned me every chances she got. She always misplaced my claim sheets (intentionally, I guess. Repetitive incidents). She's my anti-fan. And everyone's too.

The whole floor was cheering when they knew about it. I should too, right? I've been suffering for the whole 2 years with her. But I'm not. I just can't. I can't believe she's just gone. Just like that.

I was not in the office when it happens. She had some issues with her MCs and leaves. As what they've told me, she quarreled with my bosses when they told her that chances to get the renewal might be very low if she don't do anything about her MCs. She argued, and the bosses closed the door behind her. Few minutes later, one of the bosses came to the floor and announced it officially.

From what we heard, she was actually fired because of the argument and what she said about the company in front of the bosses. She cheated on her MCs, and still argued about it. She even went to higher management and report about it. It still can't be undone. She lost. She lost her job. And the pride. But the bosses still treat it as end of contract and told everyone the same.

My heart goes out to her. It must be hard to find a job at her age. With Syawal around the corner, I hope she'll be okay. I wish her all the best in everything.

People says, it's life. People come and go. It will not always bright sky upon us. It will be, but not every time. We have to be ready, and at alert. We never know when will be our turn.

The world economic is getting better. Malaysian too. So we can't blame the economy for retrenchment anymore. It was all because of the attitude and tardiness itself. It's about us. We responsible to each and everything we're at. As work is also an Ibadah, do treat it as one.

Do you feel it too?

True enough.
I end-up writing crap, plus with lotsa grammatical errors. LOL. ;)

1st Day puasa kat ofis, macam mana?

My First Love.

I have strong passion and undivided love for my first and only love. I fell in love over and over again with the same first love. Even until now.

My first love is music. The first time I really listen to one is when I was 9 years old. It was the era of 90s; Ace of Base, Duran Duran, M.C Hammer, and ongoing act from the 80s; Paula Abdul, Billy Idol, Janet Jackson etc. I tuned to the same radio station everyday and secretly at night.

The secret burst out after half a year. My dad smashed the radio into pieces after I quarreled with my sister about our conflict of interest. It was my fault, I know. She wants to sleep. I didn't want to turn off the radio just because the DJ said they will play 'Come Undone' next. She started to scream and yelling; "Bisinglah!" over and over, and made my dad came knocking on our bedroom doors. And without another word, the radio was on the floor, smashed!

I cried that night. And the day after. But not the day after that.

My friend offered me her Walkman. On loan basis, of course. I smiled. My first love was in my arm. Even it was on loan basis. I craved for Nirvana, Alice In Chains, Hootie & the Blowfish, Pearl Jam, and of course some big emotional singer like Celine Dion, Mariah Carey, Madonna and Bryan Adams. I returned the Walkman to the owner right before I sat for UPSR.

The result for UPSR was out. And there was a gift on the table when I came back that day. It was small, not so tiny, and a bit flat. "It was for you," my dad said. I opened it, and I cried for few hours. Speechless. I was the happiest person on earth on that day. Thanks, Ayah.


It was a tape recorder. Plus with FM/AM features. And there was 'SONY' written on top of it. The very first song I've heard from my SONY was 'All That She Wants' by Ace of Base. I smiled. I had my first love in my arm again. And this time, it was mine. My secondary school years were superb. Smooth sailing till year 1998 with gigs and concerts in between. And not to forget my SONY was still beside me.

I went to MMU few months after SPM. And I brought my SONY with me, but only for a few months. I left it at home when I've transferred to Cyberjaya on 2000. I guess I was kinda forget about SONY's loyalty. Maybe, I was too eager of the technology. It was millennium, so they say. No one listen to those cassettes anymore. I need to catch up. And I never saw SONY again after I left it at home that day. Not even a glimpse.


I found my SONY today in the store room. Covered in dust. It has been almost 10 years. I pressed PLAY button. 'Crash Boom Bang' by Roxette was playing loud. And I cried. Childishly.

Sorry love that I've forgotten you. But I won't forget you ever again. You'll be with me till the end. You are my first love. You will always be my love. I'll make sure of that. I promise!

Salam Ramadhan.

Salam Ramadan.
Mohon ampun maaf yer.

Don't push me 'cause I am close to the edge. I'm trying not to lose my head.

If you never have sat in the edge of a dune, I can say that it isn't firm all the time. Here, I was handling my camera and thinking that, if I glided, it could 'die', but if I give up to sit on the edge, this image would be impossible.

So, I remembered the Baby Seymour singing; Don't push me 'cause I am close to the edge. I'm trying not to lose my head. Ohh by the way, Baby Seymour was one of the character in Happy Feet.

And I noticed how important was learn about compassion, remembered of some wet blanket people that I met in my life until those moment.

Since then, whenever I feel that somebody is trying to make me afraid, sad or even angry, I'll say (in my heart) exactly what Seymour said, to the other decide if he wants to push me although I'm so closer of an edge.

It's better than live with the fear or...
It's more cruel to always fear death than to die.

p/s: InsyaALLAH esok umat Islam di seluruh dunia akan mula berpuasa. Ramadan sudah tiba lagi. Semoga Ramadan kali ini penuh makna buat semua. Cahaya minta ampun dan maaf pada semua, atas salah silap, termakan dan terminum. Bagi yang belum memaafkan, Cahaya takkan putus asa berdoa semoga dibukakan pintu hati kamu sebelum Cahaya pergi. Pada yang sudah, terima kasih. Kamu semua tiada salah pada Cahaya, jadi tiada kemaafan yang perlu diberi. Terima kasih atas nasihat kalian selama ini. Kamu memang rock! Kamu juga selalu dihati.

Wah, kamu seperti Jebat!

nareemwahkz's

melompat! bersilat! berdebat!
wah, kamu seperti Jebat!

konon mempertahan saudara,
sanggup dilumur darah,
membantu berniat jahat,
kamu fikir kamu hebat?

orang lemah kamu perendah,
orang mengalah diajak berbalah,
dicari silap dan salah,
kerana kamu suka menghina,
membangga,
mentertawa tidak sudah.

wah, kamu memang hebat!
kalau Jebat nampak pasti dia hormat,
berdiri tegak siap berjabat.

mari, mari lari cepat!
orang begini jangan kita rapat,
orang begini tidak beradat,
peribadinya seperti ________

p/s: Mustahil orang jahat berubah. Mustahil mereka akan jadi baik satu hari nanti. Mustahil mereka akan insaf. Orang jahat kan jahat, mustahil! Kamu rasa betul ke?

Ada satu kes semalam: Perempuan susah, beranak 3. Dalam perut berisi yang ke 4. Suaminya bekas penagih. Dah lama dah 'clean', dah lebih 5 tahun dah. Tapi dipulau oleh penduduk setempat atas sebab kisah silam suaminya. Anak ke 2 disahkan Thalasemia (betul ke ejaan ni?). Yang ke 3 pula ada paru2 berair. Rumah langsung tiada berlampu letrik, tiada juga bermeter air. Penghulu tak nak bantu, katanya matpit tu akan menjual barang2, atau pakai duit untuk bekalan dadahnya kalau diberi muka. Tapi bantuan semua atas sokongan dia. Macam mana?
Kasihan keluarga ni. Dah 3 tahun mereka cuba mohon bantuan, tapi masih pending sampai sekarang. Masyarakat lebih suka mereka hidup susah merempat dari bantu untuk beri kehidupan yang lebih baik. Bukan diminta beri lebih, atau banyak. Tapi cukuplah untuk keluar dari kedaifan. Oleh kerana kesilapan masa lampau si suami, anak2 jadi mangsa. Si suami cuba mencari pekerjaan, tapi kerana rekodnya, tetap gagal. Si suami ambil upah potong rumput sekarang ini, itu pun terpaksa pergi ke daerah luar, atau kampung yg lain.
"Biarlah diorang merempat. Orang macam ini tak boleh bagi muka. Diorang takkan berubah. Diorang takkan insaf. Sekali jahat, jahat selamanya." - Penghulu
Betapa prejudisnya pandangan masyarakat atas kisah lampau si suami. Negativiti beginilah yang akan mengundang lebih banyak kes yang tak baik.
Manusia ada pilihan. Mereka mungkin pernah pilih jalan salah. Dan kalau boleh, bila mereka cuba bermula di jalan yang betul, bimbinglah, dan bantulah. Allah Maha Adil, Maha Pengampun, Maha Melihat, Maha Mengetahui. Dia kenal hambaNya. Cuma kita yang masih tidak kenal siapa diri kita.

There's too many clouds, and not enough sun; The rain must fall on everyone.

For me, human emotion is a dangerous substance. It built from so many different binding things.

‘It's when you read things and you realized that some of
those were true, its when you just get sick of admitting it.’-
CAHAYA

Any sort of relationship should be taken seriously. There are not just a mean of entertainment. And if one start considering it like that; begin to play with peoples feelings, it always end up in misery.

It was not the differences in opinion that keep people apart. And never about having someone else behind ones back. But the lack of an emotional connection. The real connection. Emotional connections are everything. And if there isn't one, the whole thing becomes a bit of the lost cause.

Relationships should never be places of great unpleasantness and emotional isolation.

Above is an artificial scale. Soon you'll see my feet on not-so-artificial one. You might already know this about me. And how bad I want this. I'm always longing to change myself. To feel other things. But its real. Its actual. Palpable, and not theoretical.

This is who I am. I just want to break. To feel the edges of things. Wish me luck!

A Place Where I Called Home.

Nothing much to blab. Just cleaning up my hard disk and found this at one of the folders. ;) Home is ; being able to dance around without pants on and be comfortable about it.

Feeling Better.

Alhamdulillah, I feel better now. Seems like the hospital's medication has work it wonders. My tonsillitis almost gone. At least I can swallow soft foods other than water now. It was kinda weird to have a tonsillitis without having a fever itself.

I always take tonsillitis as a sign that I will catch a fever in few days time. But this time, nope! No fever at all. My body temperature is normal. Same goes my blood counts, pressures and sugar level. I don't have headache, cough or flu. Just a plain tonsillitis.

On the first day, I consumed a lotsa warm water to make it gone. But end up going back-n-forth to ladies every 15 minutes. So, I went to panel clinic on the 2nd day. I still can eat at this time. Soft, mashed food. I just felt a slight uneasy on my throat. Doctor has prescribed me with antibiotic, paracetamol and thymol gargle for 1 week. By end of the week, there still no sign of recovery. It got worst. I lost my voice and even got chest pain whenever I took a deep breath.

Went to our family clinic then and been prescribed another course of strong antibiotic (as said by the doctor), paracetamol, papain tablets and thymol gargle for another 1 week. Week passed. I regain my voice but only can consume water. I drank a lot as I feel dehydrated.


I went to Selayang Hospital on last Wednesday. Got myself a h1n1 test and also a consultation with ENT specialist after that. I've tested negative for h1n1, Alhamdulillah. And got my 3rd course of Augmentin, paracetamol and thymol gargle. I get used with the gargle taste right now. And it only cost me RM1 for all that. Consider myself on a tight budget right now, I don't think I can spend another RM for my medications.


I have to come for another check up next week. And I'm happy it almost gone now. I'm sure will come back next time. I heart you Selayang Hospital. Thanks a lot!

Kawan or Sahabat?

But when the real ones are far far away, you can’t help it but to turn on to the less important ones which will eventually makes them the real ones and the former real ones into the less important ones?

Urgh! Enough crap talk at this hour!

Truth is, I have lost a lot of faith in having friends will do me good. The bad experiences outweighed the good ones by a far mile. And seeing this early in the morning kick starts my day in a very warm and fuzzy vibe. ;)

There’s a difference between having friends and acquaintances, just as there is a difference in being called a ‘kawan’ and a ‘sahabat’, aight?

Heart Breaker.

Nobody breaks my heart. ;)

It Takes Time.

I know you miss him and I know you think you can’t be without him. I know he told you he loved you and I know he said he’d never leave. I know although you knew you shouldn’t have believed that, you did and I know you want him more than anything. I know you spend extra time doing your makeup and hair perfect just in case he looks your way and I know secretly, you want to bump into him anywhere you go. I know you get that feeling when you walk past him and I know you just want him to look your way. I know he called you his baby and his number one and I know he told you he loved you at the end of each of his texts. I know he told you after he’s caused you so much pain. I know your face lights up at the mention of his name and I know that you were his world and I know he made you happy. I know you re-read the saved texts from him that you should of deleted ages ago and I know you can’t figure out what’s making you still like him so much even you’re scared to talk about him to your friends because you don’t want them to know how amazing he is. I know you still get that tingle feeling if he so much as looks as though he’s looking your way and I know that the whole day you’ll be analyzing what that look meant. I know you know he used you and I know you always forgave him for all his faults no matter what. I know you smile bigger, talk louder and laugh more when you see him anywhere near and I know that’s because you just want him to notice you again. I know you compare every guy to him and I know you’d do anything to prove your love for him. I know you take out his mistakes out on everyone but him and I know you don’t mean to. I know you read your saved YM conversations you had with him every night and I know you cry every time. I know you think you won’t care for anyone as much as you care for him and I know you tell everyone you’re ‘obviously’ over him. I know that you don’t know that I can see right through that. I know you listen to the songs that remind you of him every night and I know you cry yourself to sleep. I know you’d do anything to be perfect for him and I know if it meant you had to stab yourself the next day after seeing him, if it meant spending a whole day with him, you’d do it. I know you can’t figure out what’s so different about him to all the other guys you’ve been with previously and I know he’s the reason you look in the mirror too much. I know you get that feeling every time you get a text, just because of the slight chance it might be him and I know anyone can see the hurt in your eyes when you find out it isn’t. I know you can’t figure out why he left you and I know you’ll never get an answer to that question. I know that. Trust me. Now listen. I know he doesn’t miss you and I know he doesn’t look at you twice. I know that if he does catch your eye it’s because you’re staring at him and he’s just looking around. I know your texts to him were deleted a long time ago, along with the YM conversations and I know he’s dating a new girl now. I know for a fact that he doesn’t compare her to you. I know he doesn’t have feelings for you anymore and I know he just doesn’t care. I know he doesn’t care about you no more. He never did. Trust me. I should know. I know you can relate to everything I said because he made us all feel the same. Do me a favor please? When he’s done with his current girlfriend pass this onto her. I know you will because you appreciate this as much as I did when it got passed to me. Knowing you’re not the only girl he’s hurt though, makes you feel better I guess. I wonder how many more girls he’s gonna hurt….. P.S, I know you still miss him. Even after reading this and realizing someone else felt exactly the same way about him that you do now. But trust me; the girl he’s dating now will feel exactly how you felt. Remember you gotta be strong, keep your chin up and head held high. You will get over him. I promise you. It’s just gonna take time.

I dare all of you to read it. ;) Take care.

Forgive Me Love!

Forgive me, lurve!

Alright, hopefully!

Everything will be alright.

Hopefully.

At least, that's what Jimmy said.

What Would You Do?

Taken from Google.com

Having yourself diagnosed a chronic disease will be painful news for you. In fact, more painful than the disease itself.

What will you do next? How do you break the news? Will you tell anyone about this? Or better to keep it to yourself?

Just need your opinion in this. Toss your opinion in the comment box. Thanks. ;)

Asyik dan Lupa.

Kerana terlalu ASYIK berlari
Aku LUPA apa yang aku kejar

Kerana terlalu ASYIK mencari
Aku LUPA apa yang hilang

Kerana terlalu ASYIK bercinta
Aku LUPA cinta itu bukan milik aku

Kerana terlalu ASYIK melihat dunia yang jauh
Aku LUPA apa disekeliling aku

Aku ASYIK dengan dunia
Dan LUPA siapa aku dan Tuhanku

Aku ingin kembali
Kembali pada yang tidak ASYIK
Kembali pada yang tidak LUPA
Moga aku jumpa jalan itu
Jalan yang bernama kembali

peace.love.respect('cahaya')

Andai kutahu
MalaikatMu kan menjemputku
Izinkan aku
Mengucap kata tobat padaMu
Aku takut
Akan semua dosa dosaku
Aku takut
Dosa yang terus membayangiku
Ampuni aku
Dari segala dosa dosaku
Ampuni aku
Menangisku bertobat padaMu - Ungu, Andai Ku Tahu

The BIG Audition.

Being obese is never easy. Having yourself as a center of attraction (not a compliment!) and laughing stock all the time make everything harder for us. On 1st August 2009, we were all gather, line up and waiting to have a chance to change ourselves to a better person (as in appearance).


The Biggest Loser Asia Malaysia Audition took place last Saturday at Fitness First, The Curve. Overall, 212 contestants turned up and auditioned. They were some who came as early as 6am, waiting in front of the entrance to be the earliest among others.


I'm glad I did turn up to audition. I'm having a thought of not going the night before. I even stayed around 1 hour in my car at The Curve's parking lot because I was so nervous.


I met few wonderful people who shares same goal as mine. They're the best! To have the guts and turn up for the audition was the biggest challenge for us.

The result will be out probably in September. Wish me luck!

peace.love.respect('cahaya')

Well, when you go
Don't ever think I'll make you try to stay
And maybe when you get back
I'll be off to find another way
And after all this time that you still owe
You're still the good-for-nothing I don't know
So take your gloves and get out
Better get out
While you can
When you go
Would you even turn to say
"I don't love you Like I did Yesterday"
Sometimes I cry so hard from pleading
So sick and tired of all the needless beating
But baby when they knock you
Down and out
It's where you oughta stay
And after all the blood that you still owe
Another dollar's just another blow
So fix your eyes and get up
Better get up
While you can
Whoa, whooa - MyChemicalRomance, I Don't Love You